Do you ever get to those moments in life and think, "I never thought this would happen to me." I've had it happen to me several times in life. I've been divorced, I've done bad things, I've had 3 miscarriages, and there are a few more things I'm sure. Life happens and it definitely never happens the way you think it will. I actually never wanted to be a mom. I did not like the thought of having children, and I wanted to live a selfish life; but now I'm a mom and my children (along with my husband) are my world. Being a mom is the greatest and I wouldn't trade it for anything. We have been blessed with 2 amazing girls and 3 angel babies. Our kids aren't perfect all of the time, but they are pretty great a majority of the time. When I became a parent, I never thought my life would change dramatically, but it did. A lot of things changed and I am ok with most of it, but lately I have not been ok with this stage of life that I am in.
Feeling lonely has to be the worst feeling in the world. It's not a good feeling; it's actually pretty crappy. To feel like you have no one by your side totally sucks. Now yes, I have my husband and family, but this has nothing to with him or them. So what does it have to do with?? Well...friends. Yup, friends. I never thought in my entire life that I would be without friends. I always had a close knit group of girlfriends, who I could just lay in bed with and talk about life. But it seems those days are gone. Even as I get older, I've noticed that "clicks" are still a huge part of friendship, and it'll probably always be that way. I don't need a large group of friends, nor do I want that. I want to have a few close friends who are with me no matter what. No matter if I make them mad, or if they make me mad, I want them to be by my side. Friendships are like relationships to me. I take them seriously. From time to time one of us might fuck up; it's life! No one is perfect, but a true friendship can move past the craziness and chaos of life, and say that everything is ok. I guess what got me started on this post was a photo I just saw. It was a group of girlfriends at a photoshoot and the all looked so happy; and I instantly got sad. I don't have that. I miss going over to my girlfriends' home and hanging out and laughing. I miss having a sister like connection. People will tell me, "Katie you have a great husband and family and that's all you need." And while I agree to some point, I also need a few close friends. I don't always want to talk to my family or my husband about stuff; sometimes I just want to talk to a good friend over coffee or cider and feel carefree. There is just something about having a sister like bond with someone that warms your heart and makes you look forward to even just talking to them.
This post isn't about anyone, but a general post about how my life has gone for the past few years; about friends coming and going, I know life happens, but my heart does hurt. I am at a lonely stage of motherhood and friendship right now and I hate it. It's a crappy season that I'm in and I want out of it. I have other beautiful things going on in my life, but for some reason, this season of life puts a damper on my soul. I'm a people person and friendship keeps my heart happy; and right now I have an empty space that I hope will eventually be filled. Some days I might not be the greatest friend; although I try very hard to be a good one. But as a friend I'm always sincere to you. I've asked myself over and over why I have a hard time keeping friendships, and I still haven't figured it out. I'm sure I'm doing something wrong, but I haven't been able to pin point it.
So to all of my moms out there or anyone in general; if you are in the sucky season of life of feeling lonely; you are so not alone. It's hard and heart breaking. It's tiring and it plays tricks on your mind. There are days where my self confidence goes lower b/c of the fact that I don't have many friends, but I try to rise above it and not let it drown me. I know God has a path for me; and I know I wander off of it everyday. I have confidence that he has a few special people for me that will come into my life at some point who are meant for me. I know this post sounds sappy and sad, but I'm just trying to be real with you.
Life is hard. It's a journey that takes a lot of curves at you and you have to climb mountains. But through the tough times, it's nice to have a few good friends who can help you up those mountains and celebrate with you when you get to the top.
Thanks for reading and stopping by my blog today!!!