As you grow into an adult and get married and start talking about having kids, you hear about all of the sad stories about pregnancy, but you never think in a million years it'll ever happen to you; and then it does.
I never thought I would experience 1 miscarriage let alone 3 miscarriages. It's hard, it's really really hard. Nothing can prepare you for going into the doctor's and just seeing your baby in the womb lifeless. All the ideas you put in your head about what your baby would look like and how they would act are gone; completely gone; you can't get your baby back.
Sadly, August 18 of 2015 we lost our 3rd baby at 12 weeks and 6 days. I was at the doctor's office by myself, and honestly I didn't think anything was wrong. I had been super sick and 3 weeks prior our baby had a heartbeat of 175; so there was no thought of loss in my mind. When I saw the baby had no heartbeat I was devastated; and it was even harder because I was alone in that room with just the technician. She tried her hardest to comfort me. I had a D&E ( here is a link to a less detailed explanation of what the procedure is: D& E Procedure )procedure done (not a D&C like a previously stated...I got them mixed up). If you want to read more detail about this particular miscarriage you can read it here.
So what is life like 1 year after my 3rd miscarriage? Well, life is back to normal, or whatever normal is with two kids at the ages 2.5 and 4.5 lol. We have bounced back and forth with wanting to have another child, but have decided to be done. It's hard decision to make, especially when we were so excited to be pregnant with our last one. This miscarriage was for surely the hardest both physically and mentally. I suffer from anxiety, but after this last miscarriage my anxiety went through the roof. I suffer daily from it and I am learning to work/live with it. Certain things will also trigger flashbacks to my last miscarriage. I get flashbacks to the day I found out and also the day of the surgery. Most of the time I can come out of the flashbacks, but if I can't then I end up having an anxiety attack. I will actually probably do a video soon on what life is like dealing with anxiety and flashbacks after a miscarriage, only because I know so many can relate. But moving past the anxiety and occasional flashbacks, my heart is at peace.
Our original due date was February 24th, 2016, so we should have an almost 6 month old, but I can't sit around and dwell on what we should have. Dwelling on our losses will not change anything. It won't bring our children back, but it will make the healing process worse. I would say the one thing that helped me heal a lot during this process was naming our child. We didn't name her until a few months after we lost her, but it brought more closure to us knowing what gender she was and giving her a name. (You can read about her name here). The other two losses we weren't able to find out what we were having, so it never really brought that closure around full circle. With all of that said, I am happy with where I am today in the healing process. There are great days and there are bad days, but I would say the great days out number the bad ones and I am grateful for that.
If you have experienced a loss of your own or are in the middle of experiencing a loss, please know that there are others who can relate to you. The number of women who suffer from miscarriage, still birth, and infant loss is large; so you don't have to face this alone.
Thank you all so much for your kind words, they make my heart smile more than you could ever know.